Chapter Text
Ever since Zava joined the team, Jamie had become a shell of the man he worked f*cking hard to become. Maybe it was in part jealousy. He wasn't the best anymore but it wasn't just that, it was the way everyone was treating their new teammate. Acting like he was f*cking God's gift to football or some sh*t and okay yes, Jamie had once wanted people to treat him that way but he'd been taught better, he'd been taught to be a team player by the same people who were now kissing this mans arse just so they could win a few matches and it was f*cking confusing, wasn't it? Was he not good enough? Is that why it was one rule for him and another for Zava? When he wanted to be the best and scored all the goals he was f*cking benched for it, now they were making sure the lads knew that they had to get the ball to Zava so he could score. Jamie didn’t understand. The most annoying part was they had actually been doing just fine without Zava but no one was listening when he told them that, he was just seen as jealous or a fragile little bitch. That one had hurt the most. It sounded like something his dad would hurl at him when he was drunk, when Jamie was just a kid. Hearing similar words from Roy Kent of all people, his childhood hero turned best friend turned f*cking boyfriend made it sting more than it ever had.
He hated that Zava was changing the way Richmond operated, they weren't a family anymore and wasn't that Ted Lasso's whole thing? They weren't just a club and all that yeehaw bullsh*t. As someone who was raised believing even his teammates were competition, he liked that they weren't just friends at the club, they were friends outside of the club or at least they used to be. He hadn't hung out with any of them in months. Maybe it was his fault, maybe if he'd tried to fit in with the Zava cult he wouldn't have felt so isolated from his teammates but he didn't want to do that sh*t and even though he didn't think he was doing anything wrong by having his own opinion, his lack of enthusiasm seemed to be an issue for his coaches who had been watching him for weeks.
Jamie had been pulled into the coaches office early that morning where he was in no uncertain terms given a warning about his lack of participation with his teammates. Ted had made a comment about how Jamie hadn't been meditating with the rest of the team which had become a routine most mornings. He asked if there was a reason while making it clear he didn't really want to hear any of Jamie's excuses so he didn’t bother telling him about his extra training sessions with Roy. They assumed he was going back to the twenty three year old prick he was when he first arrived at Richmond on loan, it was like they had been waiting for this day to come and that f*cking hurt because he thought he'd been doing well.. he thought they knew him better than that after all this time but apparently not. He thought about arguing, defending himself by telling them he hadn't even been invited to the f*cking meditating bullsh*t but he kept his mouth shut and took the verbal lashing. It was humiliating, honestly. The unshed tears burning his eyes as Ted and Beard headed out to start training, leaving only him and Roy behind in an uncomfortable silence. It was clear he wanted to comfort Jamie but they had a rule about acting like a couple at work since Roy didn’t think it was appropriate and they weren’t ready to tell anyone yet.
"Spend time with the lads, go out with them or something but don't think getting drunk will make me go f*cking easy on you, no amount of alcohol will save you from what I have planned tomorrow morning, Tartt."
His training sessions with Roy were really the only thing getting him through this rough patch. Being with Roy in general. Sometimes he thought the coach knew he was right when he said they didn't need Zava, it was like Roy was so close to noticing all the sh*t he was doing but whenever it looked like he was about to say something he shut down because winning was more important than admitting Zava was a dick and more importantly, wasn't a team player. Despite the lack of support, it was good to even suspect someone was on his side even if it wasn't said out loud other than when they were alone. It made him feel less crazy about it all. He personally thought they were all out of their minds for caring this much about Zava (even if his Roy Kent obsession as a lad made him a bit of a hypocrite) and he was hurt by how easy it was for the lads to forget about him but he trusted Roy more than anyone else there so if he said Jamie should try to do something with the lads, that's what he'd do. At least he'd try, unsure if they'd even want him around anymore. With a mock salute, he headed out of the office, jogging to the pitch so he could join training or as he'd come to refer to it, standing around watching Zava.
After a stupid amount of time not touching the ball during training, the lads were back in the locker room getting changed into their street clothes, no one other than Jamie seeming to care about the fact none of them were getting any real playing time. Jamie was half listening to the conversation going on between some of the lads about going out that night and their disappointment that Zava wouldn’t be joining them. His eyes quickly darted to the coaches, mainly Roy who was over by the whiteboard writing or at least pretending to write things down and their eyes met for a split second and he knew what he had to do.. even though he really didn't want to.
"Got room for one more?" He blurted out before he could stop himself.
The room fell silent, the lads all looking at each other in confusion and Jamie had never wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole more in his life, at least not since Wembley but before he could try and take it back, Isaac nodded.
"Of course bruv."
And just like that the conversation started back up again like nothing happened. It was f*cking weird but good, at least they hadn’t said no which he was kind of expecting. Jamie looked back over at Roy who nodded at him. He knew it was a proud nod, it was basically a smile in Roy Kent language. He'd learnt pretty much all of Roy's nods and growls by now so he felt a little better about it all.
He was brought out of his thoughts by some of the lads clapping him on the back, including him in the conversation they were having making plans for that night and despite being nervous only moments ago, he actually found himself getting pumped about going to a club with his teammates, his friends.
For the first time in months, Jamie left Nelson Road with a smile on his face— Dani and Sam on either side of him, talking his ear off about anything and everything they could think of and it felt good. He felt included and excited for things to hopefully go back to normal.
Jamie was having a great time. He'd shared a taxi with Sam since he lived the closest to Jamie and as soon as the pair arrived and found the rest of the lads it was like nothing had changed between them. It was just like old times. They started with a few shots and Jamie was on his third beer of the night. He was watching from the bar as the lads, his friends, split off to do their own things. Colin was being Isaac's wingman on the dance floor.. it looked like it was going okay from what he could tell using body science and all that. Sam and Dani were walking around checking in on everyone, making sure they were getting enough water because of course they were. Jan Maas was scaring anyone who showed interest in him away with his Dutch bluntness while Richard argued with the bartender about the wine they were serving. A great bottle of wine really doesn't need to be an expensive bottle of wine. Bumbercatch was talking some poor womans ear off about something Jamie didn't understand.. and he probably didn't want to if the look on her face was anything to go by. co*ckburn and some of the other lads were sitting in a booth, probably texting their girlfriends (, boyfriends) or wives. There was no other word to describe it all other than Richmond. Though he was sat alone at the bar, he hadn't felt this happy and relaxed in a long time and he hoped this meant things might go back to normal at the club too, that lads nights might be back on whether that was game night at Isaac's place or out at a club like this.. just something without Zava, preferably.
It was clear that he was drinking the most out of everyone, even though he knew he shouldn't. Roy didn't want him drinking more than one during the season but he figured it was fine, he was the one that told Jamie to go out with the lads in the first place and it wasn't like he was drinking more than he usually did. Once Zava arrived and Jamie started to feel pushed out, he ended up spending more time at home by himself. He wasn't the type of person who enjoyed being alone with his own thoughts so it wasn’t long before he'd have a drink just so he could stop thinking so much.. then it became two drinks.. then three.. until eventually he stopped counting, just kept drinking until he passed out. Things only started to change after Roy offered to train him and they eventually started dating but even then, he'd still have a few to take the edge off when he wasn’t with Roy. He just made sure to get up early enough to clean up the mess and shower so he didn't figure out what was going on. At least at home when he was on his own there was no way for him to find out Jamie had a drink or two, right now there were witnesses that could tell Roy if he asked but Jamie didn't care, he didn't want to stop or maybe it wasn't that he didn't want to but he couldn’t stop.. but if he admitted that to himself, he'd be admitting he had a problem, just like his dad and when he thought too much about that, it only made him want to drink more so it was better to ignore it. Better to pretend everything was fine, he was fine.
Feeling a hand tug at his brought him out of his thoughts, he looked up to see Dani giving him those stupid puppy dog eyes that he couldn't resist so he let the other striker lead him towards the dance floor where the greyhounds were all gathered together, dancing and laughing until the early hours of the morning.
Even though he knew he'd only get a few hours of sleep before having to get up to meet Roy for 4am training, Jamie didn't regret going out. He felt all warm and floaty, walking in front of the rest of the lads as he typed out a text begging Roy to push 4am training an hour or two. Though he already knew the answer he'd get in return, he figured there was no harm in trying.
What happened next was something no one saw coming, no one except Jamie that is. Dani had bounced over, joining him ahead of everyone else, he was just as tipsy if not more than Jamie was but then again it was hard to tell if he really was drunk or if he was just being his usual happy self. Dani had started to cross the seemingly empty road and not even a second later headlights came from out of absolutely f*cking nowhere and headed straight for his friend, far too quickly. It reminded Jamie a bit of Colin's driving and he was just about to joke as much when he realised the car wasn't slowing down or making any indication it was going to turn. It was going to hit Dani. Jamie's feet made the decision before his brain caught up with them, at first he hadn't even realised he was running. He screamed at Dani to watch out but that only made him freeze in place. He could hear the rest of the lads behind him shouting at them both, footsteps closing in to try and stop him before he did something stupid but it was too late. Jamie stepped off the pavement and onto the road, reaching his friend just in time to shove him out of the way as quickly as he could but that still left him with no time to get out of the way so he tried to shield his body as best he could from the impact of the vehicle. Screeching tires in the distance along with screams were the last things he heard before everything faded into darkness.
When his eyes opened he was on the ground.. closing them over again he tried to remember what the f*ck happened and images of Dani and the car flashed through his mind. Forcing his eyes back open he could make out a group of people surrounding him, someone was screaming in the distance which was f*cking annoying and two blurry shapes were in front of him, their mouths moving but he couldn't make out any of the words they were saying. As their faces came into focus he realised he knew them.. it was Sam and Isaac but they didn't look right, something was wrong. The two of them looked concerned, Sam even had tear tracks down his cheeks and Jamie wanted to reach up and wipe them away, tell him everything was okay but he couldn't move. Why the f*ck couldn't he move? His eyes darted around and that's when he spotted some of the other lads.. Colin, Jan Maas, Richard, Bumbercatch but where was Dani? Was he hurt? Did the car get him after all? Was he too late? He tried to ask but before he could get anything out someone was telling him not to talk.. then someone else was telling the first person to let Jamie talk and then they started arguing so he just closed his eyes again, trying to drown them out.
His head was pounding, like he was experiencing the worst hangover of his life which was f*cking ironic since he hadn't even been to sleep yet.. he didn't think he had anyway. When he forced his eyes open again, he managed to blink until things were a little clearer, he let his gaze move from each one of the lads once again trying to look for Dani but instead his brows pinched in confusion. He wanted to ask why the f*ck they were all covered in red paint but as he opened his mouth and tried to form the words, he realised he couldn't speak and of course that made him panic but there was nothing he could do. He couldn't move, couldn't speak, his friends were looking at him like he was some sort of kicked puppy and he didn't like it. He didn't want to admit it but he was scared. Someone must have sensed his panic since a face moved closer, giving him a smile but for some reason it looked distorted, it didn't look like a normal smile.. there was something off about it but he couldn't quite put his finger on why. That thought didn't last long since he soon realised it was getting even harder to breathe now. Every time he tried to drag in a breath, it would get stuck in his throat, making this horrible gurgling sound which ended with him coughing violently, hurting every bone in his body. He let out a pathetic whine— a sound he'd never heard himself make before, he didn’t have any time to think about that though since a hand grabbed his. Squeezing so tightly it hurt but he didn't want it to stop. He liked the grounding comfort.
"I promise you will be okay, amigo."
As soon as he heard that familar voice he felt his body relax which once again hurt like hell but it didn't matter because he was okay. Dani was okay. He'd been worried when he couldn't see him standing with the lads at first but he was okay, Jamie could see and hear him and that was all that mattered, right? Dani was the last person who deserved to be hurt, in fact none of the lads did. They had never been as much of a dickhe*d as he had. They had never been hated by their teammates or coaches. They had never been hated by their own dads. They had never taken out their childhood issues on other people. Everyone loved Dani, loved all of the Richmond lads. No one called them fragile little bitches or precious moments figurines (whatever the f*ck that was), they were good lads. Unlike Jamie. They were good. So good he sometimes didn't think he deserved their forgiveness or friendships after what he’d put them through in the past. He was glad whatever was happening was happening to him and not them, he deserved it. His sh*tty behaviour was always going to come back to bite him in the arse, wasn't it? He could feel his eyes getting heavier and Dani's words circled his mind. I promise you will be okay, amigo. He had no reason not to trust his friend, he had never given him any reason to believe he would lie to Jamie so he let his eyes close, ignoring the shouts of protest he got in return. He couldn't do it anymore, he was so tired and he just wanted the pain to stop, even as his dad’s voice echoed in his mind calling him weak. Telling him he was a soft little bitch.
"Jamie, please stay with us."
"Come on bruv, don't do this!"
"Open your eyes boyo!"
"Tartt? Jamie! Listen to my voice okay—"
Those were the last words Jamie heard before he lost the battle to keep his eyes open. Somewhere deep down, Jamie knew this was it.. he wasn't going to open his eyes again, he wasn’t going to see Roy or his mummy again and there was so much he wanted to say but the words weren't going to come out so instead he managed to gently squeeze Dani's hand, hoping it would be enough, that it would say everything he needed to and that was it. He felt like he was floating away, listening to the worried voices of his teammates, his friends— the people he was only just realising cared so f*cking much about him but as time went on their voices sounded fuzzier and further away until he couldn't hear them at all anymore. He couldn't hear or see anything anymore. There was no light, no darkness.
Nothing.
